Dear Fellow Adoptees at Transracialeyes , I am a Chinese American adoptee. I was born in China and adopted when I was about to turn 8 years old. In a few weeks I will be 12 years old. After I entered the orphanage in China I was put into foster care. I lived with my foster parents in China, since I was a few months old, until I was adopted. I consider my foster parents as my parents in China. Of course, I have another set of parents in China that are my biological parents. They are currently unknown to me. My question is about handling how my peers, who ask me questions about my early life, want to put feelings onto me that I might not be feeling. The hardest issue to deal with is people who tell me how I must ‘feel’ about my biological mother. For example- Oh my God….you must miss your mom sooo much.(or) Oh my God…that is so sad…don’t you want to find your mom? (or)….I feel so bad for you…it must feel terrible to left by your mom. I really don’t like people feeling ‘sorry’ for me or taking ‘pity’ on me. I have a lot of feelings about my mom and they are way more complicated than just sadness. I am not sitting around crying about it all of the time. Sometimes I feel mad about it all or frustrated not knowing why or sometimes I don’t think about it at all. I know I can tell people that it is none of their business. I know I can just walk away but sometimes it feels like they really are asking for nice reasons. I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want to turn away people who are really trying to understand or be helpful. How do you handle questions from people who try to tell you how you must ‘feel’ about being left by your parents? How do you explain how complicated it is without sounding like you are awful somehow for sometimes being angry or not thinking about it? Thank you.